I think the exact words in my text to my best friend after yoga were, “and I only mean this for tonight, but f*ck yoga.” And I meant it. I thought I had finally broken through a hurdle towards the handstands I am trying too hard to achieve, but I didn’t. My legs were more like a / and less like an L. For reasons that have much to do with life off the mat, I was devastated and pissed and tired and completely like WTF body, I am doing tons of downward facing dogs and everything felt great tonight, so why am I NOT achieving this. (Why I feel I need to achieve anything in yoga is another question entirely). I felt pissed, even though, by every possible standard, yoga is amazing for me. And then, I came home like a sad kid at school and said, “I thought I did this pose, but I was doing it wrong, and even though it felt fun and awesome to have my legs on the wall, I was supposed to be doing it differently. And, let me show you what I did, because it was cool, but not right….” And, no mat, no drama, I walked over to the wall, planted my hands under the shoulder, pulled my shoulder blades together, lifted my heels up against the wall RIGHT behind my butt and straightened my legs.
WTF, yoga? Of course, this is a fairly routine event now after maybe every 4th class, but tonight of all nights, I wondered why does it happen in such odd bursts. And of course, it was not remotely perfect, but it was an L, a fact confirmed by B.
But yoga is not a thing to be achieved the way we master other physical or mental feats. In this way, it is much like law, the constant searching and circling. But tonight of all nights, I really wanted to pull everything in and shine out with balance and extension. And in wanting it so much, I got lost in the moment of doing it.
But when I let myself say, “F*ck yoga,” I was able to let that need to achieve out and focus on why my teacher told me and showed me.